On Wednesday, September 21, 2011, early in the evening, I watched as my dear friend went through the last few hard minutes of a 38 hour labor, and I watched as the baby's heart stopped. I watched as they took her in to the operating room. I waited for news. I called more friends to come to the hospital and we waited in the hallway together, silently praying together for L & J and their baby. I knew when they asked us into the private room that it was over. That a new, precious life had ended before it even began.
L was still in surgery. The nurse brought the baby into the room for the dad and I to see. Our other friend, A, scrambled to call the family. I asked the nurse if the baby had been held, which she had not. I asked the Dad if he wanted to hold her, he was not ready. The nurse gave the baby to me. She was perfect. I kissed her little head, her face, her nose. I looked at her little fingers and toes. I told her she was loved and I cried. Her daddy held her for a bit then he had to go tell her mommy that she was gone. It was awful.
The nurses brought the baby into the recovery room and gave her to her mother. when L looked at her perfect little baby, she said; "You are a Peanut!" She talked to her, looked her over and held her. When she gave the baby back to the nurses, she looked at me and said, "Why?" I had no words other than to tell her I was so sorry for her loss.
The past few days have been exhausting. Mom came home, we all have been doing our best to take care of her, to nurture her, to love her through this, but we cannot find the right words. Are there any words that can help? I don't think so. I think all we can do now is listen, hug her, cry with her and keep telling her that she did nothing wrong.
What do we pray for? Comforting words? Peace? Laughter in the face of tragedy? I simply do not know. All I know is that a little Peanut is not here with her Momma, that she will never get over this loss, that the life of an innocent, perfect baby never came to be. Now instead of planning for feedings and a lifetime of happiness, she is planning her baby's funeral. One day, I hope she can find peace. I hope she can find answers. I hope her heart heals. I hope she knows that she has an angel with her always. There is a poem that ends "An angel never dies." Why then, does a baby have to?
I will not post the names of anyone in this situation for privacy. If you know the family, I ask that you too respect their privacy by not writing their names on any comments you may have for this blog. Thank you.