BLOG: Size Does Matter … Bras, Batteries, Hurricanes ... The Connection

Shopping for batteries is very similar to purchasing bras. Although batteries can be found in hardware stores and bras are soft wear, both are sized in almost the same way. This is an observation I made when getting the “disaster survival kit” updated and ready for the latest hurricane.

The common round consumer batteries  come in the smallest sizes (AAA) and (AA) to power the smaller size devices such as remote controls; however, unlike bras which also come in a standard size A , I could not find any A sized battery for common household use and I’m not sure why .  There are size C batteries   for medium size devices such as radios and size D is for heavier duty objects such as lanterns. But like with the nonexistent size A, ordinary batteries do not come in a B cup ....  oops I mean size. Wonder why size B was omitted?

A lot of people wear size B bras so where are their “sister batteries”?   What’s wrong with size B?  In high school, this was considered above average….. I’m talking grades here.  Isn’t that good enough?  Guess there are some other differences too because I’ve never seen a padded battery or a “push up” battery either and from the Victoria’s Secret ads, it   looks like they still manufacture those types of bras. Anyway, here’s a few other observations to keep in mind “whether” you’re preparing to “weather” the storm or just “jump start” a conversation at a party.

Buy stock in a battery manufacturing company. Hurricane season lasts a long six months (June 1 through November 30) and batteries are cheaper than purchasing a generator…… besides no one ever got asphyxiated from batteries although the Energizer bunny does look a little glassy eyed. Someone really should check his pupils.

Although important, batteries do not last forever so you may want to buy one of those hand cranked flashlights just in case. (Come to think of it that bunny is probably a windup toy or could he possibly be an electrical “plug-in”? You can’t see any strings attached in the commercials but if they can remove wrinkles from the news anchors they can also “white out” any electrical cord that might be attached to that silly rabbit.)

The phrase “batten down the hatches”…. (or is it, “fasten down the hatches”?)…. is an old nautical saying  telling you to secure your property….   so there is still some use for all that plastic sheeting and duck tape in your basement you bought several years ago……. (And to think of all those people who said you were overreacting” by buying that stuff!)

Although technically the generic name is “duct” tape, there actually is a company that makes duct tape with the brand name of Duck tape so you really weren’t saying it wrong all those years.

You don’t have to be without a car to become a “shut-in” when the storm enters your area.

When families are shut in, conversations frequently begin or end with the words, “Shut up”.

Sump pumps don’t work when there’s no electricity …neither do most household appliances including the stove and vacuum cleaner so, (what a shame)…… neither do I.

The most often phrase heard during the latest hurricane was, “I should’ve bought that generator.”

The second most often heard phrase was, “I don’t have gas for the generator” (Make sure you have cash for the gas. When the power goes out, so do the credit card machines.)

For people who could make telephone calls, the question, “Do you have power?” … replaced the popular “Was it good for you?” phrase often heard during the calls about the earthquake.  The phone lines were almost as flooded
with these calls as people’s basements were flooded with water.

Some of the biggest regrets came from the decision to give up the landline phone. How do you charge a cell phone with no electricity?  Do you drive your car around for a couple of hours and waste gas just to use the car charger? 

Like children responding to the song of a summer ice cream truck, adults ran out of  their homes and cheered when they heard the “beep, beep, beep” sound of the gas and electric trucks on their street.  

Kindles have to be “rekindled” by recharging the batteries. If your power is out for a long time ,a “real” touchable book which powers up as soon as you open it has a lot more appeal than the latest technology gadget that they say you just can’t live without.

You can live on peanut butter and crackers a long time…. and the price is going up.

Hurricanes are not quite politically correct yet.  Hurricane names are maintained and updated by an international committee from the World Meteorological Organization. There are six separate lists of names for Atlantic Ocean storms. One list is used each year and is rotated annually. http://www.wmo.int/pages/prog/www/tcp/Storm-naming.html

Although sexism is out thanks to women’s lib (male names were added to the list in 1979 to alternate with the female names) and some ethnic names are included, the North Atlantic Hurricanes (there are different types of hurricanes with different names depending on their location in the world) are the ones that target our country and they have not been representative of the “melting pot” that symbolizes  the United States (Are we a melting pot or is it the pot itself that’s doing the melting?….. like my attempt at cooking.)

There are a few Arabic (Omar) and Hispanic (Jose) names and other countries and ethnicities are marginally represented but the majority of the names are pretty ordinary.  As of to date there have been no Asian (Ming) or African (Zahra) names selected for the Atlantic storms.  Are we afraid of offending people? 

I personally think it would be nice to have a hurricane named after me.   In my life, no one has written a song about me or even a poem. The closest I came to a song was one called “Joanna” which no one remembers anymore. There was a Saint Joan but as anyone who knows me will tell you, I’m no saint…. I guess
being Jewish might be a barrier to that anyway.  I don’t want to see my name written in graffiti on a subway wall either so, having a hurricane to call my own would I think satisfy that innate need for fulfilling my fifteen minutes of fame. (If it’s a big storm, I could have several days of fame.)

And just think of the power I could have…… “Look… up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! No, it’s Joan the Hurricane!” Although in some weird way I might feel responsible for any damage that resulted from “my storm”, think of the respect I’d get.  Hurricane names get recycled and used over again unless there is a storm so devastating that using it again would be inappropriate. In that case, the name is removed from the list and another name replaces it……. (Kind of like the “retiring” of a great ball player’s number on his jersey) Now that’s nice but I think I’d like to be recycled and kept in the public eye….. or kept in at least the eye of the storm.

Getting back to hurricane names…. Where are all the phonetic hurricane names?  In today’s world, people are named Shirlee instead of Shirley and Debra (not Deborah). We need the names to be more representative our society today.  Guess it could get a little complicated because they like to have an equal number of both male and female hurricane names.  With some of the names today, you can’t tell if it’s a male or female hurricane. Bobbie or Bobby could be
either and so could Gerri or Jerri or Teddy or Teddie….. the line gets so blurred with these unisex type names.

Here’s my suggestion. Let’s do away with male and female names and use names that have more personality to them.  They could have a theme. After
all, even the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration that tracks and
warns us of threatening weather conditions has the abbreviated name (acronym)
of NOAA …. (sounds like Noah as in Noah’s Ark) http://www.nws.noaa.gov/

Why not have hurricane names with a water or storm theme?  The rotating list could include names such as Noah, Flipper, Niagara, Jonah, Jaws etc.  After that list is used, the next theme of names could be dog names such as Spot, Tinker …. But that might not work because now many people give their pets human names.  We could do cartoon characters such as Nemo, Dumbo, Goofy or Daffy.

I don’t want to minimize  the seriousness of these storms but I do think having silly names for them would not offend anyone and take the edge off all the panic that comes when those well meaning weather announcers fuel the fire by telling us how we should prepare for the worst. (No wonder toilet paper flies off the shelves….. they are giving us all the “runs” as in “ I gotta run to the store for milk and batteries” …..Don’t forget the peanut butter too.) Somehow I don’t think that the phrase. “Bambi is turning its wrath on Maryland and heading up the coast” would promote as much panic and frayed nerves as a hurricane with the human name of something like Joe.

The good news is that since it’s now mid September, there’s only about two more months left in hurricane season ….. Of course that means that winter is getting reading to pound on our doors for the next several months.

Between the six months of hurricane season and several months of winter, is there any month left to plan a vacation? (Looks like May is the only safe month but aren’t there tornados then?)  Oh well….. I can’t afford a vacation anyway because I’ve got to buy a generator. I’d like to buy a snow blower too but I’m afraid that the generator will take one look at the snow blower and say, “This shed isn’t big enough for the both of us”. I plan on telling it not to worry, that there’ll be plenty of space and gas for both of them…. at least they don’t use batteries.

Some people talk to themselves, others talk to their pets, and I talk to my appliances. I think I'm the one that could use some recharging…… or at the very least, I probably should consider hibernating until next spring.