BLOG: Winning and Losing in Rec Sports

For the past four years I've coached rec soccer in Harford County. Throughout that time, I've learned a few things about parents and kids, winning and losing. I've led undefeated teams, and teams that haven't won any games at all. With the close of this year's outdoor soccer season, I decided to share a few of my lessons with you.

If given the choice, most kids would rather play than win. A lot of fuss is made over winning and losing - and don't get me wrong, kids like to win, too - but in the end, they just want to play as much as they can. They would rather play and lose than win while sitting on the bench. (Some kids won't admit this to their parents, particularly if their parents spend a lot of time talking about winning, but all kids want to play at least some of the time.)

Most parents think the sport can lead to something it really can't. When I first started coaching soccer, I attended a coach's meeting where the commissioner shared the following bit of advice. He said, "You're going to coach a lot of kids whose parents think they might eventually win a college scholarship playing this very sport. 99.9% of them will be wrong. In the past 30 years of rec soccer in this town, only one kid - to my knowledge - has ever gotten college paid for with a soccer scholarship. But the rest have had a whole lot of fun trying." Rec sports is more about fun, exercise, and teamwork than competition, skill, or college scholarships.

Parents give rec sports a bad name. Sorry, but it's true. I've seen coaches come to blows over an umpire's call (really), fathers thrown out for cursing at a ref (at one of my games), and kids crying on the sidelines because of poor parental behavior (on multiple occassions :( ). Sadly, I have heard coaches screaming at their girls with "you can win or you can go home crying." I've watched parents say "I hate to lose" (in all seriousness) to their daughters before sending them out on the field. I've sat in drafts and listen to parents/coaches argue over the "stars" and pass around "the problem kids" like we're selecting the next team to win the Superbowl, instead of a bunch of kids who just like to play games.

Because of all that, I tell my players that for the 50 minutes they are on the field, they are not to listen to their parents, but only to me. I don't do this to teach kids to ignore their parents, but to help them understand that sometimes you have to focus on your coach's/boss's/leader's instruction and tune out all the other noise. (Because unfortunately there is can be a lot of "noise" coming from the spectators...)

My advice to parents? Stay cool and simply encourage your kid, no matter whether you agree with the coaches or refs, and whether your child's team is winning or losing. Cheer for her. Smile at her. And cheer for her some more: "Keep going!" "You can do it!" "Wow! You're so fast!" "You got it!" "Way to go!" (And just in case you might be tempted, here are some things to avoid saying as you cheer for your child playing rec sports: "Don't do that!" "Where are you going?" "Get to the ball!" "Go faster!" "Stop doing that!" "Ref, you suck!" "Get your head in the game!")

Boys play well to feel well, while girls have to feel well to play well. This interesting thought was given to me by one of my daughter's pitching coaches, a man who has coached three different sports at the rec, club, high school, and college levels. At first it didn't make a lot of sense, but the more I coached, the more I realized it was entirely true - at least the girl part. I watch coaches yell at boys to get them to play better, and I watch those same coaches try that tactic on girls, only to fail miserably. We all know girls and boys are inherently different, so we need to coach them differently. I don't have boys and I don't coach boys, so I won't even begin to comment on how to coach them.

But girls, I know. Girls respond much better to acceptance, understanding, encouragement, constructive feedback, and redirection... in that order. My own daughter had a hand-ball in the box early in this morning's game, which resulted in a goal for the opposing team during our playoff game. She was devastated (we all were). Had I responded with anger and frustration (both of which I felt for a brief moment), she would have been lost to me for the rest of the game. Instead I accepted her tears, shared her grief, encouraged her skill, talked her through the next steps, and got her back out on the field. She fought back and finished well.

Teamwork is key. The most successful teams are families... groups of girls, boys, kids, or whatever, that learn to love and trust one another, even if they don't initially know or even like one another. When we can get the girls focused on supporting one another early on in the season, they play better and feel better about themselves doing it. This is why I start the first practice telling the girls to look around and get to know their teammates. When we win, it's because of the team, when we lose, we lose as a team. We don't win or lose games because of single players. I want them supporting each other throughout the entire season, whether it's at school, on the bus, or on the field. (There's a great clip from the inspirational true story, The Might Macs, that helps explain why teamwork is key.)

Kids really, really love to play. And when you let them play, they learn a lot. I started this season with 15 girls, at least four of whom had never played soccer before. With only 8 kids on the field at a time, 15 players means two things: first, it's tough to ever get the strongest players on the field all at once, and second, everyone only plays half - at most - of each game. So I did my best to find two good "teams" that I can sub for each other. This means everyone comes off the field (except for the goalie) and a whole new group goes in.

I'm shocked at how few coaches are willing to sub all the girls, all the time, but instead play their best players and use the others only to give the stars a break. This is not the NBA or the NFL. These kids just want to play. By letting each girl play throughout every game, I was amazed at how much they improved from August to November. And I wasn't alone. Parents and other coaches commented on the growth in skill of our players.

This season, both the teams I helped coach ended in last place. A lot of people would call that a losing season and might even question my ability to coach. But ironically, I think it was one of our more successful seasons. In the case of the U10 team in particular, I started with a really young group of girls that were pretty inexperienced, then helped them have a ton of fun, learn a lot about soccer, and grow together as a team. One of the youngest players summed it up best at the end of the game, saying: "If they ranked the teams by who had the most fun, we would most definitely have been in first place..."